Are hopes and dreams crueler than what they seem?

People say that dreams and hopes are what keep you alive. I tend to agree to that statement; without dreams and hopes, what do you have to look for? But sometime I wonder if dreams don’t also kill you softly. It's just that some dreams are so big and amazing that life just can't compare to them.

Wanting more is a good thing because it makes you surpass your limits, but it can get depressing when the things that you want, are things on which you have no control. And that's my problem. I want things that I don't have control over. And I hate that feeling of helplessness inside me. If you want a house, it’s doable. You can work harder, put some money aside and eventually you will be able to buy that house. But what if you want to have a career in music or to be a writer, what do you do? It's not up to you. No matter how are hard you work. No matter to how many doors you will knock. No matter if you never give up. None of the above guarantees that it will work one day. It's a dream that might or might not come true. It's only a hope that someone will notice you and give you that chance. Only the hope to be at the right place at the right time.

Always awaiting for a sign and recognition is killing me, but at the same time I can’t let go. I get so scared; what if those five minutes I give up were actually the five minutes that I had been waiting for all my life, the five minutes that would make everything real, the five minutes where a door will finally open for me.  It’s so hard to keep going sometime. You get so many doors slammed into your face. Most people don’t even bother to open the door at all. One look in the peephole to confirm that you are a “nobody” and they turn their back on you without a second thought.

Writing is all I know and all I ever wanted. I can’t give up the dream of having my name on a music album. It’s always there in the back on my mind nagging me. Every song I hear on the radio reminds me that it could be me.  But it’s a vicious circle for a lyricist, you can’t get a song out to an artist without an editor but you can’t get an editor without having a song out!

I won’t give up my dream to get my books publish either, but the math are not on my side. Agents and publishers received hundreds of submission a week and in average they accept between 1 to 3% new writer.

So it all comes back to being there at the right place and the right time. Believe and never give up. But that’s easier said than done because there’s no time frame, it might happen tomorrow, in a week, a month, in ten years or maybe never. You just don’t know.

People don't understand what it is like. It’s not the attraction of fame. It’s more like a rip, a birth stain or a brand on your skin. It just won’t go away. It’s a need inside of you that you can’t shut down. It’s a part of you no matter how hard you try to change it. There are days that I wish so hard that I didn't have all those dreams in my head. I wish I could see my dreams like a bonus to my life. But for me it's a need. It feels like I'm only surviving now while I am waiting for my dreams to bring me to life. It’s like if 90% of my life is in my head and I wonder sometime if it will get out of there.

I also wonder why so many dreams if they are not going to come true. Why all this talent if I can’t exploit it? This question is killing me. Can life be that bitch? Is she having a blast at teasing me like this? If I wasn't sure that I could do it, then I would turn the page, but I feel it so deep inside me that this is who I’m supposed to be.

Everyone wants recognition for what they are and do. The surgeon wants to be recognized as a good surgeon by his peers. The mother wants to be recognized as a good mother by her child. The secretary as a good secretary by her boss and so on. I want to be recognized too. I know my friends recognized me as a good friend, my dad as a good daughter, my goddaughter as a good aunt, my husband as a good wife and I am sure my little man think I am a super mom, but I am missing the recognition for my work. And I am not talking about that 9 to 5 job that pay the bills. I got no self-satisfaction at being good over there. There is no challenge and no ambition in that job. I want to be recognized for my writing. I want to be recognized for my passion, for what makes me happy.

So all I have to hold on to are my hopes and dreams  but sometime I really wonder if life would be easier if I didn’t have them.