I'm scared.

I'm scared because I'm 31 and I haven't done half of the things I wanted to do. I'm scared because I'm 31 and sometimes I feel like I'm 60. I'm scared to grow up and lose my child’s innocence. But I'm even more scared to stop growing up and stagnate to the same level over and over again.

I'm scared to dream too much. I'm scared that my dreams are too big and that reality might never catch them up. I'm scared to wake up 50 and realized that I only been dreaming my life. I'm scared that my dreams might be in vain. But sometimes it seems easier to think that I can change my star than to admit that all my dreams are vain. So I get scared to give up.

I'm scared that life will win over me. I'm scared to give reasons to all the persons who were telling me to get back down to earth. I'm scared to hear "I told you so." I'm scared to keep trying but never make it.

I'm scared because I need everything to be amazing and because I can't satisfy myself with ok. But I'm even more scared that striking for amazing get worst then handling ok. I'm scared to satisfy myself with little and become my own shadow, but I'm scared of wanting too much and never reach it. I'm scared to lose what I had built but I'm scared to lock myself in a safe.

I'm scared of war and violence. But I'm even more scared of my own violence. I get so overwhelmed toward our society that rage invades my heart without me been able to stop it. I'm scared to be a dreamer and die in disillusions, but I'm scared to stop believing that this world can be a better place.

I'm scared to say what I think sometimes in the fear of hurting people but I'm scared to become hypocrite. I'm scared to be wrong but I'm scared to be right about the ugliness. I'm scared that myself can't be enough sometime for some people. I'm scared of that feeling that make you feel incompetent toward people because you see them bigger than they are. I'm scared of what people think of me but I'm even more scared of living through others people’s minds and opinions. I'm scared to lose myself trying to fit in this world. I'm scared to be different and myself but I'm even more scared to be someone else.

I'm scared about tomorrow because it's coming too soon and I'm scared of yesterday because I did mistake I can’t repair. I scared to have regrets but I'm more scared to have remorse. I'm scared to never forget my past and I'm scared to mess up my future.

I'm scared to go unnoticed but I'm scared to be under the spot light. I'm scared to be happy because I keep thinking it’s too good to be true and that it will eventually blow right off in my face. And I'm scared to be unhappy because it might never end.

I'm scared to disappoint my friend and my love ones but I'm even more scared to disappoint myself. I'm scared to be betrayed and sometimes I’m scared to trust. I'm scared to be played though I'm playing people sometime unconsciously. I'm scared to get lost in my pain or worst to become arrogant with success.

I'm always in between two. I'm scared of black and I'm scared of white but I got no grey zone.

I’m scared to be a bad person. I’m scared to get hurt and to hurt. I'm scared to let people know I'm vulnerable. I'm scared that the words “I love you” become habit and words like any others. I'm scared to forget to say thank you. I'm scared to neglect my love ones. I'm scared to become selfish. I'm scared that my friends forget I love them. I'm scared that my dad might be ashamed of me one day. I'm scared to be only a photo in a picture frame for my nieces and nephews. I'm scared to be like my mom. I'm so scared to be like her and that my son might hate me one day.

I'm scared of racist because it’s destroying our world. I'm scared of indifference. I'm scared to judge and be judge. I'm scared of where this world is going. I'm scared to forget all the pain human being been through but I'm scared to get depressed and paranoid about it. I'm scared of injustice but I'm scared of too much freedom. I'm scared. I'm just scared and I can't help myself. I think that life scared the shit out of me sometimes!

Politically correct equals being hypocrite too often!

First, I must say that I will be everything but politically correct in this blog. So for those who rather close their eyes than face the truth because it’s not as cute as they would want, you may want to skip this blog.

I'm just a bit tired about the volunteer blindness toward life and realities. For me being politically correct, end up 95% of the time being hypocrite. And the biggest lies and the ones we tell ourselves.

I hate it when I hear "Physical appearance is not important, it’s what's inside that count."  I'm sorry but it is important. Come on, the first impression that people get of you is what you look like. If you are dirty, well there's a good chance that you will be dirty at home and in your daily life. If you can't put any effort on yourself well how can I expect you to put effort in anything or anybody else?

It's a fact, when I see someone on the street or in a bar, or anywhere else for that matter, I don't see his amazing sense of humor or his friendly personality; I see his physique. And that's what most likely will decide me to talk or not to that person. I will agree with all of you who are going say, "Some people will become really beautiful once you know them." That's true. I’ll give you that. When it's the friend of a friend or the guy/girl from work because in those circumstances, the personality will quickly comes into play and will change your perspective. But if you are honest with yourself, you would have never spoken to half of those people without having first been introduced by a third party. It's just a fact. It's human instinct.

If you put five guys in front of me and tell me to choose with which one I want to go for a coffee, without knowing them at all, I will go for the cutest one. I think it's just natural. It might be an error but I will still go for it. Come on, if I can have the full package deal (cute and intelligent) why not give it a try. That cute guy might lost all his sex appeal the minute he’ll open his mouth, and I might have had a better time with that more average looking guy, but a fact remain, I would have gone for the cute guy first.

I think you are a liar and a hypocrite if you tell me that instinctively you would go for the little chubby in jogging pants with glasses. People are so desperate to look like a nice person but pretending doesn’t make you look nice it's just makes you a liar.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not that superficial. I am not saying that women must be a size 0 and dress up with top brand clothes to be sexy and beautiful. Quite the opposite, I think Queen Latifah is one of the most beautiful women out there and she is far from a size 0. I don’t think that every man must have a six-pack to look good either. But I believe in a minimum of self-respect and self-care.

I am just honest. I'm talking about the first impression and there's nothing that you can say that would change the fact, that the first thing everyone see about you is your physique. Then, if you're the guy/girl at work or the friend of a friend, you will have the chance to show your amazing sense of humor and your fantastic personality, and we might fall in love, get married, have children and the house in the 450. But can we all agree that it's not the personality that we see first. Love at first sight!!! Here you go, sight, not personality, not sense of humor: sight! Simply and only sight. The rest comes after. It might be sad but that's the truth, so let just face it.

Another thing that I hate to hear "Sex is not important in a relationship." Sorry, it's a huge part of it. That's the difference between your best friend and your partner. Your partner is suppose to be your best friend with options, so if there's no option, well sorry, but for me, you are friends not lovers. It would be like having a Ferrari but never drive faster than 50km/h. No, to get you kick with your Ferrari you need to drive it 150km/h on the highway.

Then there’s the people who says, "I would love you no matter what, even if you were totally poor and living on the street." Yeah right! That's cute in a movie or in a song, but can we all admit that reality is a bit different. The successful businessman will rarely go out with the cashier at Mcdo. And this doesn’t mean he is superficial, it just mean that we mingle with people that share our interest, ambition and passion. It’s part of the life’s rhythm. It’s easier to go along when you are on the same beat.

I hate that me saying those things makes me sound superficial, self-center and bother line discriminatory. I don’t believe that thinking those things without saying it makes you a better person. Quite the opposite, shouldn’t honestly prevail over looking good to the public eye.

It’s so sad. You can’t say anything anymore without the fear of being catalog superficial, disrespectful and sometime even being suit. There are so many associations to protect everyone and anybody “rights”. It would be a good thing if it wasn’t taken so lightly and people were not abusing it. Here’s the thing: you can’t please everybody. People don’t realize that by fighting for their rights, sometimes they remove someone else rights. How is that fair? But shut, we can’t say that because then we are call racist, discriminatory and worst.

I can’t say Merry Christmas anymore because it’s not politically correct for those who don’t celebrate Christmas. Here’s an idea: let me believe in Santa as I let you believe in any of your God.

As a francophone, I can’t say that I don’t give a damn that the new Montreal Canadian’s coach only speak English because it’s an insult to my roots. I should be screaming loud and clear that we are in Quebec and that French should be mandatory.

I can’t say that I don’t like Celine Dion because she worked so hard to be where she is and she’s from Quebec so she should be my pride and joy. Furthermore, I’ll be call jealous.

I can’t say that my friend is black. No she’s African American or a visible minority. Maybe it’s just me but I would rather being call black if that’s what I am than a visible minority. That’s sound a lot more discriminatory to me!

I have friends from all groups of ages, nationalities, religions and sexual orientation. They are all different and unique in their own way. I speak two languages and I love Christmas but to be politically correct,  I should say happy holidays, don’t use the word short, tall, chubby, fat, old, young, black, yellow or orange, don’t mention any religions, languages or sexual orientations, and praise everything from Quebec because that’s where I was born. Basically, I should wear blinkers like horses do, keep a tunnel vision and make sure I don’t deviate from the public opinion. God forbids, I would have an opinion of my own and express it!

Yeah I don’t think so. Now I can hear some of you screaming to scandal; calling me superficial or bitch. I guess it’s a question of point of view. I’ll wear the suit if it makes you feel better, but at least I am honest and I am not hiding myself behind that pre-made politically correct image to look good to your eyes. I assume myself and my thoughts, and if more people could to do that, we could avoid a lot of disillusions in life.

Are hopes and dreams crueler than what they seem?

People say that dreams and hopes are what keep you alive. I tend to agree to that statement; without dreams and hopes, what do you have to look for? But sometime I wonder if dreams don’t also kill you softly. It's just that some dreams are so big and amazing that life just can't compare to them.

Wanting more is a good thing because it makes you surpass your limits, but it can get depressing when the things that you want, are things on which you have no control. And that's my problem. I want things that I don't have control over. And I hate that feeling of helplessness inside me. If you want a house, it’s doable. You can work harder, put some money aside and eventually you will be able to buy that house. But what if you want to have a career in music or to be a writer, what do you do? It's not up to you. No matter how are hard you work. No matter to how many doors you will knock. No matter if you never give up. None of the above guarantees that it will work one day. It's a dream that might or might not come true. It's only a hope that someone will notice you and give you that chance. Only the hope to be at the right place at the right time.

Always awaiting for a sign and recognition is killing me, but at the same time I can’t let go. I get so scared; what if those five minutes I give up were actually the five minutes that I had been waiting for all my life, the five minutes that would make everything real, the five minutes where a door will finally open for me.  It’s so hard to keep going sometime. You get so many doors slammed into your face. Most people don’t even bother to open the door at all. One look in the peephole to confirm that you are a “nobody” and they turn their back on you without a second thought.

Writing is all I know and all I ever wanted. I can’t give up the dream of having my name on a music album. It’s always there in the back on my mind nagging me. Every song I hear on the radio reminds me that it could be me.  But it’s a vicious circle for a lyricist, you can’t get a song out to an artist without an editor but you can’t get an editor without having a song out!

I won’t give up my dream to get my books publish either, but the math are not on my side. Agents and publishers received hundreds of submission a week and in average they accept between 1 to 3% new writer.

So it all comes back to being there at the right place and the right time. Believe and never give up. But that’s easier said than done because there’s no time frame, it might happen tomorrow, in a week, a month, in ten years or maybe never. You just don’t know.

People don't understand what it is like. It’s not the attraction of fame. It’s more like a rip, a birth stain or a brand on your skin. It just won’t go away. It’s a need inside of you that you can’t shut down. It’s a part of you no matter how hard you try to change it. There are days that I wish so hard that I didn't have all those dreams in my head. I wish I could see my dreams like a bonus to my life. But for me it's a need. It feels like I'm only surviving now while I am waiting for my dreams to bring me to life. It’s like if 90% of my life is in my head and I wonder sometime if it will get out of there.

I also wonder why so many dreams if they are not going to come true. Why all this talent if I can’t exploit it? This question is killing me. Can life be that bitch? Is she having a blast at teasing me like this? If I wasn't sure that I could do it, then I would turn the page, but I feel it so deep inside me that this is who I’m supposed to be.

Everyone wants recognition for what they are and do. The surgeon wants to be recognized as a good surgeon by his peers. The mother wants to be recognized as a good mother by her child. The secretary as a good secretary by her boss and so on. I want to be recognized too. I know my friends recognized me as a good friend, my dad as a good daughter, my goddaughter as a good aunt, my husband as a good wife and I am sure my little man think I am a super mom, but I am missing the recognition for my work. And I am not talking about that 9 to 5 job that pay the bills. I got no self-satisfaction at being good over there. There is no challenge and no ambition in that job. I want to be recognized for my writing. I want to be recognized for my passion, for what makes me happy.

So all I have to hold on to are my hopes and dreams  but sometime I really wonder if life would be easier if I didn’t have them.

Grown-up disillusions

Wouldn't it be great if we could keep our kid’s innocence once we grow up?

I miss the time when I was not aware of all the horror and ugliness of this world. I miss the time when the only occasions I was crying for was because my dad wouldn't give me a candy or because I fell on the floor running too fast. I miss the time when I was blind to racist, illegality, prejudices and violence.

I remember when I was a kid I used to think that life was so beautiful. Seriously, discovering the world and all its wonders but none of its cruelties. I look at my son and everything he sees is a wonder to him. He discovers colors, animals, sounds and he's just amazed. He has no worry what so ever (except that I run out of milk!) He’s just happy.

I remember that no one cared if you were white, black or yellow. As long as you knew how to play tag and had Barbie's or GI-Joe we were friends. But then we grew up and all the sudden we have to explain the color of your skin. No one cared about your religion. It was the last of our concerns. All we were thinking about was playing. Jewish, catholic or protestant, you had a Nintendo at home and we were in business. Now somehow the same kids would meet today at 30 years old and they would fight.

I remember that when I was young things were simple. We would ride our bikes to the park and play until our parents call us for dinner. It was short and sweet. We called each other, meet somewhere and have fun. But then you grow up and realized that it's not enough to have friends. You need time and money, because god knows every move you take cost something. To top it up, you have to match your schedule, which is getting harder and harder with that new trend of 24/7 business. Everyone got a different schedule.

When you are a kid you see life so differently. I remember I would have a fight with my friend, screamed, "You're not my friend anymore," and cried, ran back to my place, but by the next morning we were friends again. We had forgotten the whole thing. Now we fight and dream of revenge. We plan how to hurt and humiliate the other one as worst as we can. No one wants to say sorry, too much ego to admit we are wrong.

When I was a kid I didn't know war existed. I wasn’t aware we were destroying our planet. I didn't know how it felt to be scared of tomorrow. I didn't know the air we breathe might be dangerous. I didn't know the water we drink had to be disinfected. I didn't know we were always under the treat of a new war.

Kids don't have any meanness or cruelty inside. They just have animal instinct. They are sad: they cry. They are mad: they scream. But once it's done it’s done and that's it. I miss that. I wish we could do that as adult. I just miss being a kid!

SORRY

Sorry for my absence of the last couple of months but it has been a real roller coaster with my son starting teething, my husband starting a new job and the holidays.
I promise to try to keep on track for 2012!
Thanks for hanging on with me.

The Offended Virgin

I went to Wal-Mart yesterday and saw that girl dressed up like she was going clubbing. As she walked in, the greater looked her up and she got all offended. She gave him a dirty look and barked a not-so-polite “What?” at him. The poor man looked down almost ashamed and I felt for the man because to me he didn’t do anything wrong. If you dress up that provocative, you should expect to attract attention.

It reminded me of a story a few years back. I was at work smoking a cigarette with some friends, when this girl, from work as well, joined us. She was wearing this skirt that actually look more like a big belt, a tiny tank top that you wonder if they went out of fabric while doing it and some “fuck me boots”. So one of the guys with me asked her, “Where are you going out tonight?” She looked all surprised and said, “No where why?” Because you look like a clubbing whore, but I kept that thought to myself. So the same guy, explained himself saying that she was a bit over dress up for work. (I actually thought she was underdressed, but I guess that’s a question of point of view.) She switched off completely, going on and on about the fact that she was allowed to be sexy even at work and that her look today was nothing special. So the boys’ talk began. “Oh come on girl, you are indeed sexy but also really provocative, you look ready for a hot night.” “Yeah when my girlfriend dresses like this I know I will have some fun that night.” She started to loose it; screaming she was a bright girl and not only a body, that men were all the same, only thinking about sex. I had kept my mouth shut until then but I couldn't help myself anymore.

“What did you expect? You have to assume yourself girl. You wear a skirt that show half of your ass and don't want guys to look at it? Your breast is winking at them beneath what you call a tank top and you don't expect guys to answer the invitation? Your entire look say, “Fuck me right here,” and you get offended that guys think about actually doing it. I got some news for you, good girl don't dress like bitches and vice versa. So if you want to be the good bright girl like you said, wear a turtleneck!!! Other wise assume yourself and stop playing the offended virgin.” She called us a bunch of jerks and losers and left.

Okay, I admit it; we went a bit hard on her, but God someone had to tell her. Wake up and face who you are. I find it annoying. It’s like who are you kidding here. The whole point of showing off is that people look at you. So if you show your ass well we are going look at it. Now if you can't handle it, dress differently. End of story.

It's like last year I saw an interview with Britney Spears and she was going on and on about the fact that men look at her like a piece of meat. Okay girl, you made a video nearly naked with 10 guys, moaning and rubbing your ass on their crotch singing “I'm a slave for you,” and you tell me you didn't see it coming!

I just hate it. If you want to be bitch or provocative, be it, but assumed it. And beside there's a difference between sexy and slut. It's a question of arrangement. Wear your fuck-me-boots but with a longer skirt. You can wear you tiny tank top but with a nice pair of jeans. You can even wear that belt skirt of yours but with a t-shirt maybe and not at work! But if you are one of those who plead the free expression and scream high and loud that you're allowed to wear whatever you want, fine, it's true. But remember, we are also allowed to think that you're a bitch!

Does Einstein should have been ashamed to be a genius?

A couple of weeks back I was in line at the grocery’s store. There was a young couple in front of me. The girl was flipping through the page of People magazine when she came across an article about Angelina Jolie. The guy said Angelina was hot. The girl’s answer shocked me and, I must admit, upset me.

"Yes but she got no credit because she was born like this. It’s easy to have a life when you are so beautiful. She would be absolutely no one without her ass. I hate those people because they are not even a bit ashamed of what they have. They take everything and don't think about people that don't have their chance." 


I had to fight really hard no to jump into the conversation and tell her what an idiot I thought she was. Seriously, am I the only one who sees the wrong in her remark? Why should Angelina feel ashamed of anything? She's beautiful and proud what's wrong with that? We are already ashamed of our faults and now we should be ashamed of our qualities. Being beautiful is just an extra to all she does. Why should we remove her credit because she was born beautiful?

I don’t get it. Does that mean that Einstein doesn't deserve any credit because he was born a genius? Does that mean that Picasso and Beethoven should have been ashamed of being gifted?

Come on, give the girl a break. We all work with what we have. Some are born beautiful, some with intelligence, some with talent, some with a bit of all and some with the full package deal. I wouldn't apply for engineering’s job because I know I don't have the competencies to do it. You just have to accept yourself and your limits, and if your limits annoy you well it’s up to you to change them.

The goal in life is to bring yourself to a higher level not to bring down everyone to your level so that you feel better. I'm not going to wear jogging-pants just in case that I might offend the girl that doesn't have nice legs if I wear a nice skirt. If you want my legs: workout for it. Should I start to look like crap just in case I meet a girl that does so that she doesn't feel bad about herself? I'm not going be ashamed to be beautiful, just like I'm not going be ashamed to excel at my work while some don't. Let me give you a dose of painful truth, hating all the girls with a nice ass won’t make yours smaller!

I don’t mean any disrespect to anyone. I don’t believe you have to be Angelina Jolie or a size 1 to be beautiful, quite the opposite but I do believe that if your are a size 14 and you are unhappy about it, the solution is not to hate the size-1-girl but to workout. Same rule applies if you don’t excel, as you would like at work; work harder but don’t hate me for getting a promotion or a better job than you.

In what kind of world we’ll live in if we have to be ashamed of our qualities and assets? I’ll tell you, a pretty sad one.